🏳️🌈 A Career Should not Require Self-Erasure: The Hidden Cost of Being LGBT+ at Work
Written by Joey Casey: Queer Agenda Coaching
Introduction: Am I too much?
For many gay and trans men, showing up honestly and as their authentic self at work doesn’t feel like an option; it feels like a risk.
Despite progress, 46% of LGBTQ+ professionals are still closeted at work. Behind polished LinkedIn profiles and corporate smiles, there is a quiet negotiation happening:
“Am I too much?”
“Should I tone it down?”
“Will I be taken seriously if I show up as me?”
I used to change how I dressed for work. I left my partner out of conversations. I blended in with the straight masculine guys, laughed at the right jokes, and made sure not to sound ‘too gay’. I was high-performing and driven as an English teacher but I wasn’t fully myself. And the cost? Anxiety. Shame. Burnout. Constant second-guessing. That’s what no one tells you about being gay or trans in a workplace that still expects you to shrink.
A lot of the queer men I coach tell me the same thing. They have the title, the salary, a great position. But they also feel like they are living a double life. They wonder every day: Am I too much? Am I being watched? Should I tone it down?
Some of them get treated like a stereotype, like their entire personality is fashion, RuPaul, and being the office therapist for Sandra from accounting. Others get completely overlooked for not being “gay enough.” And most of them spend their days analyzing everything; their voice, their body language, the way they say hello in a meeting. Just trying to survive in a world that sees authenticity as a threat.
One in three are emotionally exhausted
One in three are emotionally exhausted from hiding. The stats are even worse for trans professionals; more than half have heard transphobic or homophobic remarks on the job. Most people don’t talk about that. They celebrate our resilience, but ignore the trauma that shaped it. It doesn’t have to be this way. You shouldn’t have to trade your identity for success. You shouldn’t have to be anyone other than yourself to be respected.
Closeting yourself at work is emotional labor. It is strategic, exhausting, and traumatic. You are constantly scanning the room. Monitoring your tone. Rehearsing every sentence. Asking yourself, “Did I go too far?” when all you did was speak like yourself.
We are not talking about a handful of sensitive people. We are talking about millions of professionals who are performing a version of themselves every single day just to feel safe in a meeting. That is not professionalism. That is oppression repackaged in business casual.
If nearly half of queer people are hiding who they are at work, the problem is not us. The problem is the environment. The culture. The silence.
You cannot claim inclusion if authenticity still comes with a price tag.
Isolation and Exclusion
For LGBT+ individuals in the workplace, the pervasive fear of judgment and discrimination often fosters a profound sense of isolation and exclusion. This isn’t always overt; it’s the quiet decision to withhold personal stories, to avoid conversations about weekend plans or partners, and to constantly censor one’s true self. This self-imposed silence, driven by the perceived necessity of conforming, creates an invisible barrier that separates them from colleagues, leading to a profound loneliness even amidst bustling office environments. The emotional toll of this sustained performance is immense, eroding mental well-being and hindering genuine connection.
The Corporate Closet Is Still Very Real – And It’s Draining
Your company might throw up a rainbow logo in June and send out a Pride-themed email. But for the rest of the year, a lot of us are still walking on eggshells. Being gay or trans in the workplace often means constantly calculating how much of yourself is safe to show.
You pay attention to your walk. You watch your voice. You second-guess your outfit. You shrink or shape-shift just to avoid being labeled “too much.”
You hear the offhand comments, the ‘jokes,’ the casual ignorance, the subtle digs, and you smile through it because you do not want to be seen as difficult or dramatic.
You get reduced to a role. You are the fashion consultant, the free therapist, the diversity box ticked on a panel. And if you do not fit the fun, fabulous stereotype? People either forget you exist or quietly judge you for not being ‘gay enough.’
This is not just uncomfortable. It is mentally and emotionally draining.
33% of LGBTQ+ professionals say they are emotionally exhausted from hiding who they are.
85% say they’ve faced career barriers simply because of their identity.
And for trans professionals? It is even more brutal.
Over half have heard homophobic or transphobic remarks at work — more than double the rate of their cis peers.
Queer Voices
I created Queer Voices to change that, to give space to the real stories that never get told.People like Jacob, who shared his survival story and refused to soften it for other people’s comfort. People like my clients, who are leaders and visionaries, but still carry shame in rooms they had to fight their way into.
The truth is, so many of us are still healing from being told to hide for years. Jacob decided it was time to share an amazing and raw story of survival, resilience & hope that shaped Jacob’s life into the person we have today
”2017-2021 were the some of the darkest years of my life. There were multiple years that I was so depressed that the thought of getting myself help seemed pointless and exhausting, and I was already exhausted. Around 2019 I started waking up to some of the trauma that I experienced and decided that I deserved to feel better than I had been feeling”
Jacob B (United States)
Queer voices is an intimate series where I give a space to LGBTQ+ people to tell their story of resilience, the people who shaped their story & how pain & bigotry didn’t hold them down.
These stories are not watered down or softened for anyone’s comfort. This is what SURVIVAL looks like in a world that tries to silence us.
It’s loud, it’s messy and it’s unapologetically queer. You can read Jacob’s story HERE and please reach out to me to feature your story of survival. It might just light the way for someone in the darkest place.
Transformation Coaching
A lot of the gay men I work with are killing it on paper; great job, sharp mind, always pushing for more. But underneath that, they are tired. Disconnected from their body. Stuck in old patterns around food, fitness, and self-worth. My coaching helps shift all of that. We work on the mindset, yeah but also the nervous system, the gym, the plate, the stuff that actually affects how you feel day to day. It’s not about perfection. It’s about finally feeling at home in yourself.
‘‘I used to tense up the second I walked into the office. It was such a straight, masculine environment, and I had this deep fear that if I was too ‘me,’ they would judge me, talk about me, or just shut me out. Coaching with Joey helped me realize how much of that fear came from old wounds, not reality. We worked through it with mental tools and inner child work, and I started to feel different about myself. I started to feel safer in my own skin. I stopped overthinking and felt enough” Roger (Dublin)
What’s next?
Lets jump on a complimentary deep coaching experience at a convenient time that suits you HERE with me, Joey. We will discuss the problems, trauma or blocks that are preventing you from moving forward with your life, discuss your needs and goals and begin to develop a roadmap going forward.
Whatsapp: +353851774270
